Thursday, July 8, 2010

Hot and Cold, I'm Ron Burgundy?

Am i really as horrible as i think i am or is it just my mind that leads me to believe that I'm thinking I'm as terrible as i say i am....... where were we?

So, this smoking hot body walks by me the other day, and i mean this in the most literal sense- it was honestly just a body, her head seized to exist for some reason or another. God bless that skimpy little layer of material; you know what I'm talking about... that tiny layer of material that makes it socially acceptable for females to jam out with their clams out.

So women are now practically walking around town throwing their unmentionables in my face and by unmentionables clearly I mean their VJ's--NO, not a Video Jockey(if that's what you're into, I suggest you apply for a job at Much Music). They call this attire "t'n'a" ...Lululemon also puts on an excellent display but they turned over to the dark side when scantily clad wannabe gym homo's started walking down Bay street with their camels hanging out.
ANNNNNYYYYYWAYS.... back to my point- I'm certain i had one! So little miss t'n'a' passes me by and i strain my neck as if it were absolutely imperative that i see what kind of junk she had up in her trunk; turns out her trunk was 27X more fun than anything Mr. Dressup was rocking- may he rest in peace, love you M.D.!!!!

After this brief glimpse of perfection, i slowly brought my head back to 12 O'clock, although at about 3 O'clock I came to find a greasy ass grease-ball adjusting his neck and his crotch for that matter. After his 4.5 seconds in paradise he looks directly into my eyes and grins at me rather suggestively. With a sinister expression on his face he motions towards me with a nod of approval. Yes, this was a genetic masterpiece we were admiring and yes it deserved a good hard look but this rather suggestive head nod just solidified what i already knew.... I'm a filthy perv with the worst intentions!

In other news: This obnoxious monster walked by me the other day sporting an incredibly revealing shirt and spouting off about the retail industry. Now; i have no idea what took place prior to or post interaction with the two females(AKA. Jabba The Hut and Chewbacca) but what i did manage to take from this was a juicy one liner in which only i would ever find funny. The Heavier female said and i quote "Fuck that fucking bitch, you see what fucking retail does to you?" naturally; the rebuttal in my head to a question never physically posted to me.... "Make you overtly fat?"

Ooh, almost forgot to mention.... This Just In: On my way in to work today i passed quite an interesting character. She may have been a superhero of sorts, i haven't quite figured that one out as of yet. My new BFF was wearing.... drum roll pleeeeease BDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD..... A FUCKING black leather suit??!?!?!?! It was 42 goddamn degrees today with the Humidex!!! It was so bloody hot today that i turned on my TV and it said "not today chief!" My black dog went outside and burst into flames like a Metro Toronto police cruiser. The words "EXTREME HEAT ALERT" were headlined on every digital billboard and news station in the city. What in the fuck possessed this women to say "Hey what should i wear today? ....shorts? No ....Skirt? No. AHHH i got it! I'll wear a fucking leather suit!!!" GENIUS!!!!!! My favourite part to all this and an it brings an exciting conclusion to my story is that she came wielding an Umbrella. This wasn't just any ordinary Rihanna umbrella, it was one of those umbrellas that protect you so that the rest of the world can't see the face of a true champion!

So let the speculation begin- or continue, possibly conclude. Bryan Floyd: Worst guy ever? Possibly.

-Milk Was a Bad Choice!

Peace Out Kids!