Monday, March 8, 2010

"I'm feeling Very Olympic Today".... The Olympics, Where The F Did they Go?!!

My feelings towards the Olympics in the past where similar to that of my feelings towards Goldfish... they're kinda cool at first but i quickly realize that i don't give a shit!

Sooooo anyways, there i was on the edge of my seat cheering on that cute little Frenchman from something-or-another-ville Quebec when I was overwhelmed with this sense of pride. It felt a little funny at first, started as a twinkle in my toes and moved up giving me the goosebumps like the first time i watched Debbie Does Dallas. It became this hurricane of emotions, possibly even a tornado but without Bill Paxton or Helen Hunt. I jumped off of my couch and through the ceiling tile. It was a truly nail biting finish that sent every maple syrup wielding Canuck into a Canadian flag waving frenzy.

Lets take the Delorean back to the '76 Montreal Summer Olympics, and the '88 Winter Olympics in Calgary shall we. The proud Canuck's didn't even know Gold Medals existed. They had gold rings, gold watches and gold necklaces but no Olympic bling to speak of. Just a though... the summer Olympics are one thing, but the Winter Olympics, C'MON!!!!! You would almost be lead to believe that the Canadians would flourish in the cold climates.... not the case! The Canadians missed the big-boy step of the podium in both Olympics. Fast-forward... or skip a few chapters on your Blu Ray player, with this years addition of the "Own the Podium" campaign, there was actually support and much more focus on the success of our athletes. The COC, yes i said it... the COC introduced "Own the Podium" campaign making sure we would not be embarrassed on home soil again. That's right folks your Canadian athletes were actually given a few extra bucks as opposed to the scraps they received in the past. A little bit more than the couch cushion pennies they were given in Montreal and Calgary. After a heart breaking, tear jerking, weather permitting, traitorous start to the Vancouver 2010 Olympics where even the soft and tender candor of Donald Sutherland's voice couldn't sooth the soul, the fog finally lifted over the mogul run at Cypress Mountain, setting the stage for Canada's first gold. Our cute little Canadian mogulist Alexandre Bilodeau finally gave our nation Olympic pride! Ah c'est si bon, c'est fantastique!!!

A few days after the COC announces that Canada will NOT own the podium.... what do we do? We own that fucking podium snatching 10 golds and 16 total medals in the final week sticking it to the COC... ugghhh... yeeeeaaahh. February 28th becomes a day that will be etched in the hearts and minds of citizens all over this great country. Not to say that Canada saved the best event for last but really, hockey is a Canadian sport, we weren't going to lose at home... and who the fuck really cares about cross country skiing??!!! Knotted at 2's after a crowd deflating Zach Parise tally with 24 ticks left on the clock, we were going to overtime. In a Team Canada dominated extra frame, we were determined to take back what's rightfully ours. Cue Chris Cuthbert from the press box of Canada Hockey Place... "Crosby SCORES! SIDNEY CROSBY, the golden goal! And Canada has once-in-a-lifetime Olympic gold!" WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Crosby, not only proved his Olympic worth with this goal but lifted Canada to a record 14 gold medals while bringing together the whopping 80% of Canadians that were glued to their Television sets at the time. A sense of unity set in as we were all Canadian on that faithful day. The words O'Canada were sung/shouted at the tops of our lungs as tears of joy filled our eyes and we couldn't find words to say outside of urban street language and the occasional F-Bomb. We hugged, we kissed... we delivered high fives that never connected, statistically the poorest high five rating in the history of high five delivery. Oh what a feeling... O'Canada!!!

Anyways, back to the cute little French-man... We haven't forgotten about you Alex Bilo.....something or another. He will still go down in history as the first Canadian to win gold on home soil just like Jon Montgomery will go down as the first Canadian to win gold and get shitfaced before having even changed out of his unitard. We overcame tragedy, weather, hell and high-water, we overcame adversity as a nation and finally were rewarded with precious gold. Not to be confused with pirate gold.

With the Olympics still close to my heart, i often find myself sitting on the couch spilling Cap'N Crunch all down my chest as my eyes tear up. Covered in sweetened corn and oat breakfast kernels, I browse the "Olympic Consortium" channels in the hopes of just one more gimps of its majesty. I pray that it was all a dream and it's magically one month prior to my milky/cereal disaster but to no avail. I don't much care for the summer Olympics so i guess its another 4 years of me covered in milk and brown sugar. I've gotta say though, i find it rather unfortunate for these athletes. Amateur sport is so glorified in the Olympics being put under this gigantic microscope and given this Hollywood-like complex, then 2 months after it wraps up nobody gives a flying shit about Luge for another 4 years.

The Olympics, where the F did they go? We love you AJ Billabong... or whatever your name is....

Peace Out Friends

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